Krayon's audio Reviews on Newgrounds

[War Lament]

Good Premise

You have something in this song, and if I'm correct, you have some sound libraries from Eastwest now, no? So you'll be able to pull a really powerful piece if you put your back into it.

Now. Into the piece. You have a good premise, it's true, the sound isn't brilliant, but I can hear what you're up for.

First and foremost point I noticed immediately. You need more dynamic contrast. I'm sure you are familiar with the concept of normalisation. Anything sufficiently repeated becomes normal, and uninteresting. You may walk into a new land and stare at all the new exotic things, but stay there a few months, and you'll cease to be amazed. This concept applies everywhere.

Without sufficient contrast, anything will become mundane and boring after a time. Light does not exist without shadow, or the potential for shadow, love without the potential or reality of hate, beauty without ugliness, softness without hardness, kindness without cruelty. Each of those opposites is, in a sense, DEFINED by its counter. If a world had no ugliness, it would have no beauty, as there would be nothing to compare it to. Kindness without cruelty would simply become a normal attitude, and the common themes we attach to it would be meaningless.

The same with this piece. To properly portray sadness, you must contrast it. And I don't mean sudden happy/sad fluctuations. It's a bit more complicated then that.

Consider poignancy. We can say a movie is sad. And we may not necessarily be affected. But if it was a touch of sadness and a touch of happiness; in other words, POIGNANT, it gains a whole new amount of meaning.

Remember what it is that sits behind the word, lament. The definition:

"A song or hymn of mourning composed or performed as a memorial to a dead person."

"A cry of sorrow and grief."

"A mournful poem; a lament for the dead."

Question. Why does someone lament? Because they are mourning the happiness that they have lost. They are contrasting the happiness and the sadness. The grief is brought about because happiness and connection existed at some point. They are lamenting because the whatever was lost meant something to them deeply.

Try to convey this. Convey the sense of happiness or meaning past, and the grief of it lost. Contrast the heavy deep pain (bass vocals, drums, bass strings etc) to the higher, lighter more wistful memories (flutes, higher strings, altos, etc). Carry the thread of memory and loss intertwined, joy and sadness.

Also remember to control the tempo of the piece. Some parts slow, some fast. Create contrast. Powerful, quiet. Ringing agony, sighing memory. Sweeping pain, huddled regret.

Life is our muse. Call upon her observe, consider, construct, deconstruct. Examine in great thought the mysteries behind what it is you want to convey. UNDERSTAND it.

If it doesn't make you feel, then how can you expect us to feel. If you leave it for a week or two, and it strikes you to the core, then it might with us. But remember, you have built a strong emotional attachment because you built it. Listening will invoke that attachment, so you aren't an impartial observer. Ask someone you trust how it affects them.

The power of those pieces of art that are truly poignant and beautifully sad is in their ability to contrast the element that they are portraying. Their ability to summon it in all it's glory and power.

Good luck with your project. I know this isn't really a shred of the song itself, more of a consideration of what should be going on behind the actual production of the song. I hope it's helpful in some way.

Cheers, Krayon.

popraz responds:

Thank you ! It is very usefull. I greatly appreciate the review and advices. I especially find the ideas regarding contrast to be extremely useful. Again, thank you !

[Glass Piano]

Not bad.

Apologies for taking so long to get back to you. I have a lot on right now, and it generally takes me about an hour or so to review a piece.

Alright. This isn't too bad, per se. You have some decent concepts, but they're overshadowed somewhat by unnecessary extensions and a lack of anything particularly catchy.

The beginning is fairly important in a song, many people will skip a song if the beginning isn't interesting enough. Especially with electronic music. You can get away with it in classical, but techno is generally listened to because of it's punchiness.

The beat is far too simple to draw people in. Indeed, it puts you off. Because the beginning is somewhat boring, we expect the rest of the song to be as well. The high... thing is harsh on the ears, pull out some of the higher frequencies, they literally hurt my ears with these headphones - and I'm not even going overly loud. Basically, all parts with that really shrill, tinny sound need to have the higher frequencies pulled out.

You have a good premise with the main tune, however, what you have is a backing tune, not a major one. You need something on top of that to catch the listener's attention. Something punchier, harder. THe contrast will help your piece immeasurably.

The main problem with the tune is that it's a flowing one. Everything is a flowing part, you need something to contrast that, so that it's imphasised. It's a good tune, but it needs something more to actually work properly.

The beat is also too simplistic. Bring in a few more beat structures and layer in a bit more complexity, make us bob our heads to it. What you have right now sounds rounded off. There needs to be a definite punch, or hard sound to it. The beat, in itself, is fine. But, as with all the other parts of the song, it needs an extra little something to properly work.

The middle of the song has a very nice blending of melodies and counter-melodies, but they would work even better if they were contrasted with a harder beat and melody structure and sound.

So essentially. What you have in this song is good. But it's half a song. It has a lot of potential, but you need to spend some time adding in the necessary other half.

Do that and you'll probably end up in the top bunch of artists here.

So remember, punch and power. You need a bit more complexity in the beats, a whole bunch of harder elements and a more definite melody section. This is techno, so make us dance!

Or, failing that, at least make us want to bob our heads in time. :P

Good luck! Krayon.

Kriegless responds:

If you ever get this, listen to the the re-done version of this song. It is much much better. Also listen to my new songs. Resonance, and Stalemate are two songs that i produced in the last 2 months. I am more proud of the latter, but I spend an equal amount of time on both. Thank you for reviewing this song. I had never actually read this review. I am glad i can come and look back at it in retrospect. It is very helpful and i did redo the song, so...please listen to the new version, and my other songs. Even if you don't leave a review (which i hope you do), see the progress that i have made.

Thank you!

=KL=

[Dwelling at the Ocean's Bottom]

Good premise.

Keep it simple, stupid. An excellent premise to build a piece on. And you do that all the time. Often creating things that are well defined in their own way.

This is especially important for games, movies and similar entertainment pieces which have other things occupying the audience' mind. Thus a clear motif is the part they remember when considering the music/audio.

You've done that in this piece. Which makes it perfect for the animation. Though I wonder just a tad about the content.

Content should be appropriate to that which it is intended to embody. In this particular point, the Ocean's bottom.

I don't suppose you've actually seen much of what goes on down there. Have you?

Because peaceful is something I'd hardly call it. Or at least, you could say it might seem that way...

Except for the great proliferation of fanged and clawed nasties that like to munch on each other. I'm serious. The undersea creatures are demented horror shows. They're weird, they're wonderful and they're utterly horrifying.

But there's a lot of beauty down there too. Luminescent plankton and other creatures live down there in abundance, plants and corals specially adapted have inspired artists ever since they were discovered. I shouldn't have to point out that Avatar took much of it's inspiration from the stuff down there.

No. Calm just doesn't quite fit. While the song may be very appropriate for a moonlit lake or snorkel run. The ocean's bottom is a beautifully wicked place. A place to inspire the most demented of artists, and the ones who just like to stare in awe at those utterly impossible creatures down there.

Also. Water is a horrible, implacable enemy. It's a tempest when whipped up by the wind, and a patient foe when beating against the walls of stone in cliffs. It wears away endurance and heat when you swim in it, and wears away the hardest of stone. Water is a beautiful thing when calmed, but when enraged it is a terrible, terrible foe.

Essentially. Do your research. Whatever theme you wish to encompass, ensure that you've covered your bases properly when it comes to knowledge, so that you know how to represent it properly.

I'm only deducting one mark because I believe your friend would have found it entirely appropriate, and would have been more than satisfied. But had you been attempting to do a standalone piece, I would have docked many more points for relevance.

The song is otherwise very good. It creates a very calming atmosphere and you've certainly hit that particular mood smack on the head. It would also be very very appropriate in a song. So kudo's well done.

Just remember to know what you're playing about next time.

Krayon.

Jabicho responds:

Hi there Krayon!
Thanks man! yeah, I think all the wonders of the ocean's bottom, are hard to describe in just one piece.
Hehe, maybe it would be cool to hear a piece for each of the ocean's states, the calm atmosphere, the agressive one, the mysterious, etc. that way it's possible to go deep on each theme.
I get your point, this piece focuses on only one of the many aspects one can find there. And didn't notice at first all the things I was leaving behind.
Thanks so much for commenting, you know that I always appreciate your reviews, and this is no exception, to take the time to hear the piece means a lot for me, and I thank you deeply, I always take all your suggestions for improvement. Take care!

[Toma mi Mano esta Noche]

Hmmm

You've certainly come a long way since I first saw you on NG. Way back when I actually visited the audio portal. Heh. I smiled when I heard the first part you know. You've captured a little piece of reality in this piece. A little piece of truth.

At least, until 1:18 you did. Then you got a little bit hurried, and the feeling fled. Then it came back again for a few seconds around 1:46. Then you got hurried again at 2:01 or so.

I think part of the reason was because of the sound when you raised the tempo a bit. It gets a touch tinny, indeed, jarring by my ears. It's actually pretty hard to say what I mean exactly, except to say that it doesn't suit. Not entirely, from quiet speculative to joyful in so short a time and then back to quiet speculative again doesn't wholly work, not in this song.

I can hear the feelling, that's not lost. But I can't feel it. I can in the beginning, but when those faster parts cut in, I lose it.

While the transition is seemless in and of itself, the effect and theme is not. I know you were trying to convey a sense of the good and the not so good of life and a sense of positive, 'until next time'. A hope for the future.

But for this song, that could have been conveyed better. Much better. You've gotten to the stage in your music that you start to crack open the intricacies of depth, feeling, dynamics, silences and sounds, notes and structures. Where once you tried to improve your skill, now you seek to improve your production more.

What you start in the 0:59 to 1:18 carried a really beautiful sentiment. I smiled at it. To hear what you'd caught was heartwarming. But then I got a little disappointed, coz you dropped it and went for the bit after it, and missed the sentiment by a hair.

I'd like to hear the continuation of that sentiment. A passionate song does not need to be loud. Oh no. On the contrary, you can portray passion in so many ways. And indeed, you could have taken that sentiment and built it into a swelling, joyous cry by steady increments, layering in themes and musical phrases. Tying it all together and building it up, without gaining a great amount of volume. Though you can steadily built that too.

It would have been more appropriate to have done that in this song then to have done what you did. Indeed, were I in your place I would have never actually broken into that joyous part, instead, taking you, as a listener on a journey through a world of my devising for a time. Carried you along, then left you with a memory you would have found impossible to erase.

Try it. I'd like to hear what you make of it. I'd also like to hear you try to create what you consider a true masterpiece. That would be something to hear.

Well done. This was a very good piece in and of itself, it simply missed the mark a bit. However, you really really have improved a lot. Keep it up. I look forward to your next piece.

However, if I find that your next piece has not moved on from your current style, you can be assured I will be wondering, loudly, why. =P

Sincerely, Krayon.

Jabicho responds:

As always, your reviews are so much appreciated, I love reading them, and they help a lot making me grow as an artist my friend, I can't thank you enough for that, for taking the time to listen to my pieces and helping me improve, thanks so much! =D

[Stand United [popraz - Rac3]]

Excellent tune choice!

First off. Before I shred, I'd like to compliment you on your choice of tune. You've taken a distinctive motif and carried it throughout the song. And in a piece like this. That's a necessity. Furthermore, excellent choice of motif. It's simple, and allows you to convey a powerful sense of emotion. In addition, simple means we remember it much more. Indeed. This piece would be hard to forget as a movie/game theme, and stands out as a general listening matter.

Now, I shred. =)

First thing I noted. It's not loud enough. I have all my volume sliders maxed, from the amp, to the windows one to the browser one. I listened to this on my headphones, and on my speakers, and it was hard to catch the detail in a lot of the song. I would also noted that if I pulled out my headphones and turned on winamp, I'd not only shake the room, but probably be heard a block or two away. My speakers go LOUD. Plus. Logitech Z4's don't distort. Also, I could barely hear anything on the speakers. Make sure you test on a coupla different sound systems if you can. It helps, as your song will sound different on different speakers. Try to make it as conforming across the board as possible.

Second. A lot of it isn't distinct, it's kinda muddy. Actually, on second thoughts. It's actually the underlying, lower bits you have that aren't clear. They're very quiet, and with the breathier, lighter vocals and surrounding sounds, everything becomes a little bit sameish. Tweak the individual elements and try to get the entire thing as loud as you can without suffering in quality or getting clipping.

1:32 electronic bit is VERY hard to catch. Make it more distinct.

You have a very good blend of sounds in the piece, but they're too much of the same, so the blending means that it is difficult in a number of areas to pick up individual elements. And that flattens the song. Bring clarity into a number of elements, if you can, and add in some bass brass and similar deep backing elements. Weaving in some strong bass voices amoung the chorals would work wonders.

Essentially, try to bring in some really clear elements to balance out the breathier, airier less distinct ones. It lets listeners latch onto something and then they appreciate the airy all the better. It's kinda like adding contrast to a picture. It looks flat straight out of the camera, but tweak the contrast slider, and all of a sudden there's all that much more depth. The light parts would do well to be offset by dark ones.

Also, epic choral and string/brass arrangements wouldn't be out of place. Considering the name of the piece.

Onto beats. Good solid beat you have. Now build on it a bit. Not too much more, but add in some other drums on top of what you have, more in the middle range, with a bit more complex beat signatures. Also, current ones could do with a bit more originality, after all, the current beat is... well. We've heard it before a lot of times.

Ok. You've got a motif. Now work on it. You have an excellent concept. And you've made it into a song, but it is very much the same. So bend it a bit, take the theme, then expand it into something more complex, work into it different themes of what makes a country and it's history, and remind the listeners of the motif every now and then. Take the theme through different parts, each representing a different aspect of the country.

Otherwise, I can't find anything else to note. The song is excellently mixed, and you have a distinctive theme. But you can do a lot more with it, and the mixing does still need a fair bit of work. Work on bringing in different elements in, contrasting and weaving them together and really bringing each part into its own. While complimenting its fellows.

Really good job. But not perfect. I look forward to your next piece.

Krayon.

popraz responds:

Thank you for reviewing. Unfortunately the contest limits the length of the song at 4 minutes, so I just barely fit within that limit. Perhaps later I will revisit and extend this one as I did with my "Dark World Adagio". As far as tehnical aspects go, I realised the volume might be an issue, but on my sound system it sounded ok. I didn't push the volume to high as I rendered the song, because it was too close to peaking. I will look into it though. And I will also try to improve the aspects of the instrumentation you pointed out. Mixing so many elements can be difficult, especially when lacking experience. Again, thank you so much for reviewing. And I'm glad you liked the tune.

[Kingdom Hearts- Dearly beloved]

Pretty

It's pretty. Nicely played. And well... nice.

I was all ranking up for an awesomly powerful song in the beginning, with that nice deep roll and the backing strings that went on for a short while.

And then you played a lovely tribute to Kingdom Hearts. As a motif in a movie, or game, this would be lovely to hear. And as I have never played Kingdom hearts, this does not effect me so much. Nevertheless, it has a quiet way of taking you somewhere. Though not emotionally, too peaceful for that.

It is a lovely song. But sadly, it isn't exactly memorable. It leaves you with a nice feeling inside, but really doesn't seem to do much else.

Can we hear something that you've composed yourself, something powerful? Something I can really sit back in awe and listen to. Because practically all your songs to date are very much like this one. They've just steadily improved.

It's time to branch out man. Move on, you're sticking yourself in a rut. Running in circles on the same ol' same ol'. Step outside the box. Outside your comfort zone. Start something that makes you quiver with fear because you'll surely never finish. Impossible odds are the best odds. Because when you beat them, you've learned so much as an artist.

Move on Jabicho. Tell us a story you've never told before. Never dared to tell.

Come on. I dare you to try the impossible.

Krayon

Jabicho responds:

Hi krayon! I always love reading your reviews they help me grow a lot =) wow man, sorry for the late response, haven't been on for a while checking my submissions :P thanks so much for saying they've improved.

I'm working hard on a piece for christmas, I just found a day ago a tune that touches deep into one's emotions while it's played so i'm gonna work hard on it till christmas comes, i feel it's kind of different from my zone, so i'll put all my effort, i think this new one is more touching than relaxing, lol all my pieces have a relaxing feeling don't they? =P maybe the little time left will be good or bad, but it will be a challenge.

I want to try different styles, some hard chaotic tunes, happy/funny, strong, etc. I know it'll be hard, but you said it, impossible odds are the best! don't forget to check my content in christmas! I'm giving it all, and feel i'm growing as an artist too =) you'll see, i'll make it big!

Thanks so much for your support, as always, it's a pleasure to read your comments =) take care my friend!

[Ode to Madness]

Not quite there.

You aimed for a little madness, and got psychosis instead. This piece contains nothing of the uplifting meaning behind the quote, nor any feeling of liberation.

Rather, it contains the dark side of madness, the kind where you sit in a cell, locked away from humanity for your dangerous nature. You nailed the isolation feeling, and the sense of madness. But it is not the liberating kind that perhaps you should have been after.

That would have been achieved through a faster tempo, a more upbeat tune, and a number of different melodies running in different time signatures. Perhaps even counter melodies. A sort of jarring Tom and Jerry style music, full of bright sound and demented laughter.

At least, that how I would have interpreted that quote.

Your piece conveyed the feeling, and would work perfectly in a film. But it didn't quite meet what you were aiming for, and as a soundscape, it won't have the same impact a melody would.

Nevertheless, excellent piece. Keep on making music!

Krayon

popraz responds:

Well I was aiming to blend madness and liberation within the same musical structure, without switching tempo or tone. I do see your point. Perhaps if this was actually part of a film or a more elaborate body of work, I could have given the concept a bit more nuance. Thank you for reviewing !

[-+[Innocence]+-]

Lovely. Thank you.

I loved every second of it. If this review sounds a touch strange, it's because I've been awake for 45 hours, and am still surprisingly coherent actually.

I don't hand out tens very often, even to the top artists here. It's because a ten, for me, is a statement. It says you've captured something. This isn't the mightiest epic piece, it aims not for perfection, nor does it claim for the heights of musical talent.

Instead, it simply says, you. Because of that, you've done what so many have failed to do. Capture a being in your piece. It's hard to explain. But essentially this piece is alone in Newgrounds. And I doubt I will ever hear one like it. For giving us a piece of yourself, and for sharing this, I cannot thank you enough.

Thus, in a way, this review will be less of a musical review, then simply a farewell to one of my favourite music artists here. I am sincerely sorry to see you go, and will miss hearing your voice in songs here.

To answer the unspoken questions you ask in the song, and I imagine every day of your life.

Yes. You will fly high, higher then you've ever dreamed. You are not only a lovely individual, but you have a special talent, and ability to express yourself with it. You are unique, but not alone in the world.

The world IS there for the taking. It isn't going to be easy, life never is. In fact, it will be downright brutal. But if you persevere, push on when you feel you cannot continue. Take those extra steps when you just want to sit down and give up. Get up when you get knocked down, and there will be nothing you will not be able to accomplish. This isn't just encouragement, this is a guarantee. A promise.

I've been on the interwebz for long enough, and have seen enough talent to recognise it when I see it. I've been at this for long enough to tell when someone is truly unique, or whether they're just another average joe. You are not only talented, but are uniquely so. You have everything you need to succeed. You just have to get out of bed each day and stoke the dwindling fires in your heart. You've already got plenty of songs under your belt, and thus a solid history.

I know the questions you are asking, for I ask them myself every day. To me, time slips away through my fingers, and desperation grips me that I have not done enough. Or anything at all.

My accomplishments to date add up to a grand total of practically nil. And do you know what answer I always give myself?

Yes. You can do it. You just have to sit down and do it.

Because that's what it comes down to, hard work and perseverence.

You can do it.

You just have to sit down and do it.

Your dreams are there for the taking, if you'll invest in the effort of doing so. There is a truly wise saying amoung the chinese.

A thousand mile journey begins with one step.

Life is a journey, your dreams are a journey. Your aspirations are a journey. They must all begin with a single step. And you must take each one step at a time. A painting is completed stroke by stroke, just as a song is completed note by note, and a book letter by letter.

You DO have the talent. You DO have the skill. You ARE unique. You WILL make something of yourself. But you have to work for it.

To define yourself amoung your peers, you must first understand what defines you. You must know what makes you you. What makes you different from them, what makes your work different from theirs.

With that understanding comes knowledge of self, and a understanding of self. It grounds you. Because you know who you are, and what makes you unique.

The search for perfection is a costly journey. As is the search for understanding. I would gladly cast away much of what I know, if it were not for the knowledge that that is what is slowly but surely forging a better individual. It hurts to create art. But the prize at the end is priceless.

One life has ended. A new begins, a harder life, but a better one. So I sign off, keep fighting, keep working, keep trying, and you will make it.

Sincerely. Krayon.

LadyArsenic responds:

My goodness.

You have rendered me speechless, Krayon, but I will do my best to say something in return.

I actually finished writing this song the day I graduated highschool. I had been writing it all the prior week, not because I wanted to. But... because I had to. I didn't know how to ask these questions, or who to ask them to. I was -so- scared of growing up. So terrified of the real world.

The questions and feelings, they just got stronger and made me suffer more and more. That is how this song was born. I took all of my fear, all of my loneliness and pain, and released it. That is why I didn't try to sound beautiful, or make this song sound like anything great. Simply because if I did, it wouldn't be how I felt anymore. Fear is not beautiful, and neither is pain. But... because I showed them to the world, I thought... maybe I could be.

Your words have given me hope. Not for the future, not for an easy life. But hope in myself. I definitely will keep fighting, there's no doubting it. I will go down fighting if that's what it takes to prove that this is what I need to do.

I'm so happy that one person --- just one person, even--- understands the real meaning of this song. It's not supposed to be beautiful because, well, life isn't. I didn't want to show them a beautiful song. I wanted to show them... a beautiful me.

So thank you, Krayon. Thank you for seeing me inside of the song. Thank you for hearing my words, and sharing my pain and fear. It means the world to me. And most importantly, thank you for listening.

With love,
Mandi <3

[Slave]

Not enough kick.

You've got the voice, and a decent enough tune, but this song sounds as if it's been hard limited, from your end, not after editing.

The reason for this is that there is very little dynamic range in the piece. The background is quiet, and though it's appropriately sultry, it holds not heat. No passion. It's sort of muted and the instruments are all blended together so well that you really don't catch the overall feeling. You aren't swept away with the song.

The vocals suffer likewise. While you do indeed have a lovely voice, don't get me wrong, it just sounds as if you're kinda supressing it. As if your restraining yourself from really letting go.

Let yourself go, really shout out those vocals with some fire. Give us some real Aussie kick!

No seriously, modulate the volume, sing soft, sing loud, and really carry us along in the feeling, the sheer passion of singing. Because that's what it all comes down to. Passion. The power of the voice and the way it can take us to places unlike anything else in this world. So transport us there.

Just try it some time. Take a song or something, then just let it all rip, scream, cry, sing from somewhere within that carries within it the sheer power of a vocalist. Your voice is your instrument, so let it go. Really, let it go.

It's always good to see a fellow Aussie on the lists, and it would be awesome if I could hand out a ten.

But you really gotta show me you've got kick before you'll do that.

Cheers, Krayon.

hania responds:

hahaha Aussie Kick. First thing I thought of was the Simpsons.
*giggles*

I went to your page Krayon, couldn't find any music that you've submitted... :(

[Stigmata of the Weak 2009]

Very good composition

Ahhh bugger, now I have a reputation as a reviewer to uphold. Darn, didn't see that one coming.
Don't worry, I enjoy it, most of the time :P.

Make no mistake, the composition of this piece is excellent and has improved a good deal from the previous iterations. You have a very high quality work here, and the soundscape is excellent.

You've obviously spent a lot of work at it, and I can already tell that your attitude as a musician is to constantly improve your craft, something I cannot give you enough credit for.

That said, what comes next could seem harsh. I'm not entirely sure what's next, but I've got a feeling I'm not going to be merciful about those extra 2 points...

You've obviously read previous reviews I've done, perhaps of your pieces, perhaps not, I cannot remember things from five minutes ago (literally) let alone what I might have reviewed ages ago. But I digress, you can take some good advice from some of those reviews (particularly the longer ones), advice that I probably won't include here. That said, I've very rarely covered the topic of relevance, and I've taken Danman87 up on that, something I believe to be quite important in a piece.

Hmmm, I'd better phrase this better.

The piece ain't relevant to the subject matter, ie, what's up in that post. Obviously you were aiming for a particular set of themes, however, I think you missed the target. This is part of the reason I usually discribe what the music evokes after completing it, not before. Music is a shifty thing, it changes, it's liquid, never quite the same each time. What we aim for in the beginning isn't always what ends up. To do that, one has to be particularly disciplined the whole project through, harshly critiquing their own work and making sure that it carries the correct tone.

This usually requires time off, preferably listening to other music while you're at it. As going away and forcefully wiping the short term memory of the piece from your head lets you come back later with a fresh pair of eyes. This is relevant in most artistic endeavours. In painting, for example, rotating the image (if possible) 90 degrees can pick out problems almost immediately.

This piece evokes a sense of desolation and darkness. Solitude as well. So if that was what you were aiming for, spot on.

But it does not evoke particularly strong feelings of sorrow and loss, which are often associated with abandonment.

The main issue is that there is not a strong melody to the piece, it doesn't have a particularly strong theme to it. For an example of what I mean by melody, check Lilium, which is the main theme from Elfen Lied, one of the few anime's I've watched and not switched off halfway through episode 1. If you can handle graphic nudity, blood and gore and highly adult content, I'd recommend it to you highly, as it is a quality piece of work in general production design, music, and particularly storyline. There are some very powerful themes in that short series.

I digress, the melody of the main theme is simple and elegant. But is particularly useful from an artistic perspective, as it still contains powerful emotion, even in it's simplest form, a music box song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YF4S3L li6pM&feature=related

In case the music box doesn't sound, check it in this one, starts at about 2.20 onwards:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozgXPZ h7g8g&feature=related

Your piece lacks an overarching theme, it's more of a soundscape then a song. As a result, it's less powerful. It doesn't evoke strong emotion. Which is always the musician's aim. Giving the piece a simple melody, from which you expand and build upon, would be far more effective.

Furthermore. We remember it. It sticks in your head. You can forget a soundscape, but a simple melody? I think not.

For the exercise, create a song using just a glock, or similar instrument.

Oh dear, running out of words again.

The piece was good. Everything well put together. But it had no defining icon. Nothing we can hum. And thus, we forget.

Good luck Krayon

popraz responds:

Well, actually, this is the first time you've ever reviewed one of my songs. And I'm not disappointed. In fact, I could have used more reviews like this in the past. Indeed, the sense of desolation, darkness and solitude were my main aims, but I agree I might have lost something from my original intentions in the process, probably because I focused too much on the soundscape. Unfortunately the URL's you gave me don't work, but I think I understand what you mean. Thank you for the awesomely thorough review !